Sunday, February 27, 2011

Our government

This morning while driving to work, I had 2 bothersome thoughts lingering on my mind, like a heavy curtain that seem to blanket everything else. First, the discount on toll from 12am to 7am has been taken off. Usually i leave home at about 6.15 so i am one of the lucky ones that manage to get the 'small good things in life' which is a 30 cents off from my usual rm3.20 toll for the PD-Sban highway. this morning i am pretty sure my face went from :) to :( when the fierce toll lady told me, "diskaun dah takde kak"... what??? how dumb is this? i thot we are going to have elections end of this year? this has got to be some fatal move from the govt. so they cancel the toll one one highway, and they take off the discounts from ALL THE OTHER HIGHWAYS? smart move, Mr Najib Sir. what a thing to start my monday morning. Sigh. 
Well i guess its not so bad, as long as i can listen to the dumb Morning Crew for a bit on Hitz. and then wham!! they hit me again, today is actually the last day to pay our traffic summons! or otherwise, we will be blacklisted from renewing our drivers licence and road tax!! oh come on, give me a break! why are the govt trying to take so much of my money? and all on a monday morning too!
well one things for sure, I AM NOT GOING TO VOTE FOR BN ANYMOE!! and i sincerely hope the opposition wins this year. and they better take off the toll all over malaysia, and turn in into a FREEWAY.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Baby Dumping

Today we had a case where a young woman was caught by the police and brought to the hospital coz she gave birth to a baby last week, and either killed the baby by refrigerating it or let it die and then put it in the freezer. Such cruelty actually send a chill up my spine. How cud a person be that cruel? Why kill an innocent baby? if u dont want it, or is incapable of loving her or care for her then give her to sumone else. DO NOT KILL. u have no right to take sumone else's life, especially an innocent baby. the cruel mother was actually a muslim, and she was wearing tudung and sat quietly as she admitted to doing those crime. i cant help but think, is she crazy? how can she apper so calm? and what boggled my mind then was that she actually admitted that this is not the 1st time. a few years ago, she had given birth to another innocent baby as well and then gave it away. and she was impregnated by the same guy. i mean hello! whats wrong with u? why didnt u just get married? then u wont have any reason at all to kill right? and if ur so desperate for sex then why dun u just take off that tudung and use a condom?? and u can actually say that the guy loves u? oh plzzz if he really did love u then he wud have married u years ago! instead of getting u knocked up twice and then making u kill the baby. he must be as psycho as u are! so plz open up ur eyes and have sum remorse. becoz of u an innocent baby has died. she cud have grown up to be a beautiful, talented and kind hearted person but u just took that away when u deicided to kill her!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Im Sorry

im sorry is not enough. im partly to be blamed for ur condition right now. dear god, maybe i was the one giving false hope to u, since im the one who is always telling u not to worry, that everything will be better. im always telling u, the worse is over, from now on the sun will shine brighter. im sorry if i was leading u on, the truth of the matter is i love u too much and im unable to let u go and find ur own happiness. dont get me wrong i want u to be happy, but with me. u stayed with me. and with the blink of an eye, 3 years has passed. im so sorry. but please, do stay a little while longer. the worse is over, and the sun will shine a bit brighter.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

A Flat Tire on Valentines Day

three nights ago i had a flat tire. i was going out for dinner with my sister izzati when i felt that sumthing wasnt right with my car. so when we reached our destination about 3-4 km away, we noticed the tire was completely flat. and i was thinking in my head "great, just what i needed". i had never change a flat tire before. i mean ive seen my dad do it, and my brothers do it, it seems easy, im  sure i can manage. i mean how difficult can it be right? so i popped the hood, got out the jack and the spare tire and opened up the instruction manual.

1. Park in safe and even road.
2. unscrew the bolts halfway. (notice it doesnt say clockwise or anti-clockwise)
3. place the jack under the constructed surface of the car (altho there are pictures, i still have no idea what is a constructed surface)
4. Pump up the jack to begin lifting the car. (seems easy right)

anyway, there is no need to go on with the list as mind u, i was stuck at number 2.
seriously the blot was screwed permanently together. there is no way i can unscrew it. i pulled the bar. hmm not budging. i pushed. humphhh. not a single thing. i stepped on it. nothing happening. so naturally i did what any other normal girl wud do. i called my dad. but he was away in melaka, and of coz he did what every other dad wud do. he said "hold on ill come and get u"... nooooooo thats not right. besides it was already 9p,. i had work at 10pm. so i told him to hold on while i try to get sum of my guy frens on the fone and see of they cud help. Raveen picked up, but he had rounds so that means i had to wait for a while. so anyway while waiting, me and izzati were still trying to figure out how to get those darn bolts to turn.

while we were doing this, suddenly a young indian guy approached us. he said that he was looking at us from a row of shop houses across the street. he was staying at the houses above the shops, and he wanted to lend us a hand in changing my flat tire. i was more then happy to let him. so while changing the tire i noticed that he was looking left and right, as if he was uneasy. and then he dropped the bomb. "actually i just came out of prison, and im on parole so im not allowed to leave home after 8pm." ...................... a few mins of silence. i noticed izzati took a step back. but i maintain my cool. "oh ok", i said. as if its the most natural thing in the world to have an ex-prisoner to change my car tire. he continued to change the tire. "why did u go to prison", thats me asking, knowing me i cant shut my big mouth. Gulp. "oh i was involved in fight in KL sentral". hmm must be some fight. anyway within 10 mins he was able to complete the tire-changing job. and then he left, with a big smile on his face. i thanked him, still having a little bit of disbelief over what just happened.

so the moral of the story is this. while waiting by the roadside, with my hood popped and with the instructions manual in my hands, there were a lot of people passing by. they wud glance, and then continued walking. none of them really did stop to offer assistance. but this ex-prisoner, ex-fighter dude actually bothered to cross the street and offered to change my flat tire. in all the 'badness' that he was sent to prison with, he turned out to have more kindness in any of the people who passed by and ignored us. thank u kind stranger. i shall never forget ur kindness.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Initially everything was bright and clear to me. the path that i was set out to venture, the goals i had to achieve. ive passed my SPM with flying colors and an instinct came to me where i i just knew i had to study medicine and become a doctor. i was brought up with strict values, and my parents were strict to make sure it was obeyed. we were not allowed to go out alone, we were not allowed to have boyfrens, guys cant even call us at home. i never found this rules to be troublesome coz frankly, i didnt have many guy frens and i was a nerd in my teenage years so i was just happy if i was given a new book to read every week.

eventually, i chose to go to indonesia to pursue my medical degree, till now i am not able to explain why i chose that country. maybe it was far yet close to home. in indonesia, we were too busy with studies and exams to pay much attention to boys. on our free time, we went to internet cafes, me and my frens, and being secluded in a small village like jatinangor, the internet became our only connection with the modern world. it was here that i met hamid, and started to spend a lot of my time chatting with him and eventually we fell in love. we spoke for years and then he got married to sumone else and i was left feeling deeply hurt and was trying to find ways to get over my heart break and i met ajo online. i dunno what made me decide to meet him, literally but there i was sitting in starbux in front of this weird guy and sooner then later we hit it off too. but in my mind i never had any intentions to get serious with him as i know that by end of 2008, i am going to have to leave him and return home to Msia. but somehow he managed to get into my heart and there he stayed for 3 years. 

after graduation and upon returning to Msia, i was at a lost. i dont know for sure what the reason was, maybe it was that now that i have a medical degree, i mean whats next? do i really want to spend the rest of my life working as a doctor? being a slave to the people, working day and night, and being underpaid? or maybe it was becoz ajo was far from me, and i was feeling like there was a big void next to me, everywhere i go. perhaps it was even both.

now i see my colleagues around me have all their goals set up, some are studying for masters, some are getting married and going to primary healthcare, the rest remaining at the hospital. but i noticed that very few are like me. undecided. unsure. sumtimes i feel like i am the only one. and with this feeling, came another one filled with guilt and remorse that i have strayed away from the path of god. i used to hold Him close to me, every decision used to be left for Him to decide.

lets just say that along the way, ive stumbled and fallen and i now feel like i do not deserve His pity, His grace and guidance. and i become even more astray. ive always wondered if ajo was going to help me, now that ive stumbled, will he able to pick me up and dust me off? thruout the years, he had showed signs where he was having similar problems with his faith. but in the corner of my heart, ive always secretly hoped that once we got married that he will be able to guide me again and i might find the path.

but somehow, i now find myself in a situation where i am being scorned, stepped and spit on. by many people in my life, sad to say, including ajo. my heart has been ripped apart, so badly then crying seem to be futile. i pray to God to guide me again and accept me in His grace but the feeling of guilt lingers. if ajo couldnt be the person who might help me then why does he always come my way? if ajo wasnt the guy for me then why did he let things get this far. how could a guy i loved so much refuse to pick me up and dust me off? how could i be scorned by him?

i feel like im walking in a dark path with a glimmer of candlelight as my guide and i know soon this candle is going to die and i will be left in total darkness, and i cant help but pray for the sun to shine its light again.

Saturday, February 12, 2011


No matter how much I keep telling myself that Im tired of being a doctor, there is sumthing deep inside of me that make me rejoice in going to work everyday. It is knowing that im about to make a change in sumone else's life. It is knowing that no matter how shitty my life is right now, for the next 8 hours or so, i can forget everything and just concentrate on making my patients better. It is very rare in any profession that u get to experience this. Maybe thats why im addicted to this job. when u become a doctor, u learn how to hide ur feelings. no matter how hurt u are inside, u learn to smile in front of ur patients. no matter how much u yearn to be hugged and consoled, u shut the feelings inside and console ur patients instead. Much sacrifices have been made. So many family events that ive missed. so many times unspent. so many blood, sweat and tears that ive shed. and nobody will understand. i doubt many will appreciate.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

2 smses

Yesterday i received 2 smses from my bf. And no fone calls. The day before that, sumwhat similar. Today, still the same. My relationship with him is so monotonous and almost dead? Is it? So every now and then i will call him up and gush everything out and be an emotional volcano to him and we will end up shouting at each other (mostly it is I who will be doing the shouting) and its always about the same thing. Why dont u care enuff to call? why dont u care enuff to reply my smses? u forgot this, u forgot that, dont u care?
 I am a female. I need constant attention from the guy whom i call my bf. I need to talk, i need to voice things out. He, on the other hand, is a guy. To him, 2 smses per day is more then sufficient. (I guess just knowing that im still alive is suficient). how pathetic is that?
3 years ago, when i fell in love with him and we just started dating, we used to talk for hours on the fone, and sms each other a hundred times a day (literally!). and at that time, when one of my girlfrens was having a huge fight with her boyfren (names shall not be mentioned) and was screaming at hime on the fone, i wud secretly smile inside coz i was so certain that me and ajo will never be like that. and yet look at us now.
How did we get from there to here? what happened to us? I know that i still love him as fiercely now as i did then, and i think he feels the same way about me( I HOPE).
is it possible that we have gotten too comfortable with each other and our situation that we dont bother to show it anymore? or is it that he is just taking it for granted? knowing that i will always be here for him.
I never thought our relationship wud get this far. and i never imagine that it will all come down to 2 smses per day. i always thought that we will be different from those couples. u know, those who fight on the fone, or in public.
I am going to be 28 this May. i recently read a blog that i wrote when i was 23. sumthing about guys and relationships. funny how some things never change. the guy may change but the issues will always be the same.
If ur a guy and u happen to read this, plz take a moment to think bout what im about to say. It wouldnt kill u to be romantic to ur gf once in a while, it wouldnt kill u to suprise her with a fonecall during the day when she's working, just to tell her u love her. it wouldnt kill u to reply her smses. it wouldnt kill u to maybe get her a gift once in a while like a silly key chain that she cud put on her car keys. or putting ur picture together as display on facebook or yahoo instead of some lame footballer. it wouldnt kill u to care a bit more. or at least, pretend that u care.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Good friends... great food

When i was studying in Bandung, me and my frens had this understanding where every weekend, we will dress up nicely, put on our make ups and go out to a really fancy place for dinner. I miss that. Throughout the weekday we will go our separate ways to classes, practicals, we each had our circle of frens and when we do bump into each other we say hi and then are soon on our way again. but what got us thru our week was knowing that each weekend, we will meet up again, all dressed up, meeting at a different venue every time. Sumtimes one of us wud be in tears, talking about a cheating partner, other days we wud be laughing and giggling over a little gossip one of us recently overheard. Life was good then, relaxed, at ease. I laughed a lot, cried a lot. And i changed everytime. And thats what has made me the person that I am. I miss my dear frens, some of them are now wives, mothers a role i am yet to carry. but alas all of us have one thing in common, we are now doctors.

Friday, January 28, 2011


Out of the night that covers me, 
Black as the Pit from pole to pole, 
I thank whatever gods may be 
For my unconquerable soul. 
In the fell clutch of circumstance 
I have not winced nor cried aloud. 
Under the bludgeonings of chance 
My head is bloody, but unbowed. 
Beyond this place of wrath and tears 
Looms but the Horror of the shade, 
And yet the menace of the years 
Finds and shall find me unafraid. 
It matters not how strait the gate, 
How charged with punishments the scroll, 
I am the master of my fate; 
I am the captain of my soul.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Being a doctor...

Being a doctor is not what it seems. I always thought after medical school that the worst is over, that from then on everything will be smooth and I will be content with my working life. But alas, with the money comes more and more responsibility and here I am now, caught in the middle, burdened between my family's financial situation and my own. But thankfully, I still find pleasure in what I do, and at the darkest of nights when my hands are covered in blood and a life has just been saved, the feeling of content and satisfaction over a days works still washes over me as I wash my hands in the sink. These moments are fleeting, the pleasure almost surreal, since the exhaustion physically and mentally overwhelms everything else. Why did I chose to be a doctor? I have forgotten. It has been a long and winding road which has made me numb.

Monday, January 24, 2011

April 14th, 2008

A friend messaged me recently, saying that reading my blog is like reading a novel. Hmm i guess thats a compliment if sorts, but it could also mean that my life so filled with drama (get it right, im not saying im a drama queen!) being that people seem to think of this blog as a novel, i feel obliged to add a few more quite embarassing yet dramatic "chapters" that happened recently.
I went out on a date with him again last saturday nite. =) since we were just going sumwhere nearby to grab sumthing to eat i decided to dress casually and threw on a pair of jeans, a knitted hoodie (which i like sooo much) and sandals. so anyway we were walking towards Cihampelas when the most embarassing thing happened! oh my god i am still embarassed right now thinking about it. My sandal broke! i mean it just came off! ie, came off as in the strap totally came OFF! ohmigod and i just stood there feeling totally like a fool and then when i gathered my cool, started to laff it off and then tried to be cute about it. hehe i can be pretty charming and cute when i want, lol! ok seriously before gay3 say "maz im gonna vomit in my mouth"..
but!!! he was totally understanding about it and offered me his sandals instead and then he actually walked barefooted to Giant before we got a new pair of sandals for me(which he paid for, i might add). sigh* does this guys kindness and understanding ever stop? i hope not!
i treated him to a chocolate sundae on the way home. just to say that im sorry for being such a klutz, im sure im the only girl whos sandal broke while on a date,leaving him barefeet.
so to the guy who walked barefooted on the street of Cihampelas for me, ur charming n understanding n cute, thank u =)