Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Initially everything was bright and clear to me. the path that i was set out to venture, the goals i had to achieve. ive passed my SPM with flying colors and an instinct came to me where i i just knew i had to study medicine and become a doctor. i was brought up with strict values, and my parents were strict to make sure it was obeyed. we were not allowed to go out alone, we were not allowed to have boyfrens, guys cant even call us at home. i never found this rules to be troublesome coz frankly, i didnt have many guy frens and i was a nerd in my teenage years so i was just happy if i was given a new book to read every week.

eventually, i chose to go to indonesia to pursue my medical degree, till now i am not able to explain why i chose that country. maybe it was far yet close to home. in indonesia, we were too busy with studies and exams to pay much attention to boys. on our free time, we went to internet cafes, me and my frens, and being secluded in a small village like jatinangor, the internet became our only connection with the modern world. it was here that i met hamid, and started to spend a lot of my time chatting with him and eventually we fell in love. we spoke for years and then he got married to sumone else and i was left feeling deeply hurt and was trying to find ways to get over my heart break and i met ajo online. i dunno what made me decide to meet him, literally but there i was sitting in starbux in front of this weird guy and sooner then later we hit it off too. but in my mind i never had any intentions to get serious with him as i know that by end of 2008, i am going to have to leave him and return home to Msia. but somehow he managed to get into my heart and there he stayed for 3 years. 

after graduation and upon returning to Msia, i was at a lost. i dont know for sure what the reason was, maybe it was that now that i have a medical degree, i mean whats next? do i really want to spend the rest of my life working as a doctor? being a slave to the people, working day and night, and being underpaid? or maybe it was becoz ajo was far from me, and i was feeling like there was a big void next to me, everywhere i go. perhaps it was even both.

now i see my colleagues around me have all their goals set up, some are studying for masters, some are getting married and going to primary healthcare, the rest remaining at the hospital. but i noticed that very few are like me. undecided. unsure. sumtimes i feel like i am the only one. and with this feeling, came another one filled with guilt and remorse that i have strayed away from the path of god. i used to hold Him close to me, every decision used to be left for Him to decide.

lets just say that along the way, ive stumbled and fallen and i now feel like i do not deserve His pity, His grace and guidance. and i become even more astray. ive always wondered if ajo was going to help me, now that ive stumbled, will he able to pick me up and dust me off? thruout the years, he had showed signs where he was having similar problems with his faith. but in the corner of my heart, ive always secretly hoped that once we got married that he will be able to guide me again and i might find the path.

but somehow, i now find myself in a situation where i am being scorned, stepped and spit on. by many people in my life, sad to say, including ajo. my heart has been ripped apart, so badly then crying seem to be futile. i pray to God to guide me again and accept me in His grace but the feeling of guilt lingers. if ajo couldnt be the person who might help me then why does he always come my way? if ajo wasnt the guy for me then why did he let things get this far. how could a guy i loved so much refuse to pick me up and dust me off? how could i be scorned by him?

i feel like im walking in a dark path with a glimmer of candlelight as my guide and i know soon this candle is going to die and i will be left in total darkness, and i cant help but pray for the sun to shine its light again.

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