I realize that it has been quite a while since I updated my blog. Sigh. A lot has happened. I dont even know where to begin.Well, I got married. In November 2011. To the guy I have been dating for 3 years. My wedding was beautiful. I chose to have it by the beach in my hometown Port Dickson. It was a beautiful ceremony. Here are the pictures.

At that time I was working as a medical officer in Klinik Kesihatan Gemencheh, Negeri Sembilan. It was difficult to plan a wedding and work at the same time so I took unpaid leave for 2 months just so I could plan my wedding.

I love my Red Kebaya. I think I look amazing in it. Hehe. Well anyway, you only get to be a bride once right? So I really splurged on the dress and the shoes. My husband splurged on his suit as well. I think he looks very dashing doesnt he?

Well anyway, my wedding was a 2 day event. The nikah was held on a Saturday and the reception was on a Monday, which also happen to be a public holiday coz it was the second day of Eidul Adha.

My husband is an Indonesian citizen, I met him when I was studying in Bandung. I guess you could say that he is the love of my life. And since he decided to quit his job and relocate all the way to be in Msia with me, I have to be the love of his life too.

Married life was not what I thought it would be. But I will leave that for another day.

Our government

This morning while driving to work, I had 2 bothersome thoughts lingering on my mind, like a heavy curtain that seem to blanket everything else. First, the discount on toll from 12am to 7am has been taken off. Usually i leave home at about 6.15 so i am one of the lucky ones that manage to get the 'small good things in life' which is a 30 cents off from my usual rm3.20 toll for the PD-Sban highway. this morning i am pretty sure my face went from :) to :( when the fierce toll lady told me, "diskaun dah takde kak"... what??? how dumb is this? i thot we are going to have elections end of this year? this has got to be some fatal move from the govt. so they cancel the toll one one highway, and they take off the discounts from ALL THE OTHER HIGHWAYS? smart move, Mr Najib Sir. what a thing to start my monday morning. Sigh. 
Well i guess its not so bad, as long as i can listen to the dumb Morning Crew for a bit on Hitz. and then wham!! they hit me again, today is actually the last day to pay our traffic summons! or otherwise, we will be blacklisted from renewing our drivers licence and road tax!! oh come on, give me a break! why are the govt trying to take so much of my money? and all on a monday morning too!
well one things for sure, I AM NOT GOING TO VOTE FOR BN ANYMOE!! and i sincerely hope the opposition wins this year. and they better take off the toll all over malaysia, and turn in into a FREEWAY.

Baby Dumping

Today we had a case where a young woman was caught by the police and brought to the hospital coz she gave birth to a baby last week, and either killed the baby by refrigerating it or let it die and then put it in the freezer. Such cruelty actually send a chill up my spine. How cud a person be that cruel? Why kill an innocent baby? if u dont want it, or is incapable of loving her or care for her then give her to sumone else. DO NOT KILL. u have no right to take sumone else's life, especially an innocent baby. the cruel mother was actually a muslim, and she was wearing tudung and sat quietly as she admitted to doing those crime. i cant help but think, is she crazy? how can she apper so calm? and what boggled my mind then was that she actually admitted that this is not the 1st time. a few years ago, she had given birth to another innocent baby as well and then gave it away. and she was impregnated by the same guy. i mean hello! whats wrong with u? why didnt u just get married? then u wont have any reason at all to kill right? and if ur so desperate for sex then why dun u just take off that tudung and use a condom?? and u can actually say that the guy loves u? oh plzzz if he really did love u then he wud have married u years ago! instead of getting u knocked up twice and then making u kill the baby. he must be as psycho as u are! so plz open up ur eyes and have sum remorse. becoz of u an innocent baby has died. she cud have grown up to be a beautiful, talented and kind hearted person but u just took that away when u deicided to kill her!

Im Sorry

im sorry is not enough. im partly to be blamed for ur condition right now. dear god, maybe i was the one giving false hope to u, since im the one who is always telling u not to worry, that everything will be better. im always telling u, the worse is over, from now on the sun will shine brighter. im sorry if i was leading u on, the truth of the matter is i love u too much and im unable to let u go and find ur own happiness. dont get me wrong i want u to be happy, but with me. u stayed with me. and with the blink of an eye, 3 years has passed. im so sorry. but please, do stay a little while longer. the worse is over, and the sun will shine a bit brighter.

A Flat Tire on Valentines Day

three nights ago i had a flat tire. i was going out for dinner with my sister izzati when i felt that sumthing wasnt right with my car. so when we reached our destination about 3-4 km away, we noticed the tire was completely flat. and i was thinking in my head "great, just what i needed". i had never change a flat tire before. i mean ive seen my dad do it, and my brothers do it, it seems easy, im  sure i can manage. i mean how difficult can it be right? so i popped the hood, got out the jack and the spare tire and opened up the instruction manual.


CHANGING A FLAT TIRE.
1. Park in safe and even road.
2. unscrew the bolts halfway. (notice it doesnt say clockwise or anti-clockwise)
3. place the jack under the constructed surface of the car (altho there are pictures, i still have no idea what is a constructed surface)
4. Pump up the jack to begin lifting the car. (seems easy right)


anyway, there is no need to go on with the list as mind u, i was stuck at number 2.
seriously the blot was screwed permanently together. there is no way i can unscrew it. i pulled the bar. hmm not budging. i pushed. humphhh. not a single thing. i stepped on it. nothing happening. so naturally i did what any other normal girl wud do. i called my dad. but he was away in melaka, and of coz he did what every other dad wud do. he said "hold on ill come and get u"... nooooooo thats not right. besides it was already 9p,. i had work at 10pm. so i told him to hold on while i try to get sum of my guy frens on the fone and see of they cud help. Raveen picked up, but he had rounds so that means i had to wait for a while. so anyway while waiting, me and izzati were still trying to figure out how to get those darn bolts to turn.


while we were doing this, suddenly a young indian guy approached us. he said that he was looking at us from a row of shop houses across the street. he was staying at the houses above the shops, and he wanted to lend us a hand in changing my flat tire. i was more then happy to let him. so while changing the tire i noticed that he was looking left and right, as if he was uneasy. and then he dropped the bomb. "actually i just came out of prison, and im on parole so im not allowed to leave home after 8pm." ...................... a few mins of silence. i noticed izzati took a step back. but i maintain my cool. "oh ok", i said. as if its the most natural thing in the world to have an ex-prisoner to change my car tire. he continued to change the tire. "why did u go to prison", thats me asking, knowing me i cant shut my big mouth. Gulp. "oh i was involved in fight in KL sentral". hmm must be some fight. anyway within 10 mins he was able to complete the tire-changing job. and then he left, with a big smile on his face. i thanked him, still having a little bit of disbelief over what just happened.


so the moral of the story is this. while waiting by the roadside, with my hood popped and with the instructions manual in my hands, there were a lot of people passing by. they wud glance, and then continued walking. none of them really did stop to offer assistance. but this ex-prisoner, ex-fighter dude actually bothered to cross the street and offered to change my flat tire. in all the 'badness' that he was sent to prison with, he turned out to have more kindness in any of the people who passed by and ignored us. thank u kind stranger. i shall never forget ur kindness.

Light.

Initially everything was bright and clear to me. the path that i was set out to venture, the goals i had to achieve. ive passed my SPM with flying colors and an instinct came to me where i i just knew i had to study medicine and become a doctor. i was brought up with strict values, and my parents were strict to make sure it was obeyed. we were not allowed to go out alone, we were not allowed to have boyfrens, guys cant even call us at home. i never found this rules to be troublesome coz frankly, i didnt have many guy frens and i was a nerd in my teenage years so i was just happy if i was given a new book to read every week.


eventually, i chose to go to indonesia to pursue my medical degree, till now i am not able to explain why i chose that country. maybe it was far yet close to home. in indonesia, we were too busy with studies and exams to pay much attention to boys. on our free time, we went to internet cafes, me and my frens, and being secluded in a small village like jatinangor, the internet became our only connection with the modern world. it was here that i met hamid, and started to spend a lot of my time chatting with him and eventually we fell in love. we spoke for years and then he got married to sumone else and i was left feeling deeply hurt and was trying to find ways to get over my heart break and i met ajo online. i dunno what made me decide to meet him, literally but there i was sitting in starbux in front of this weird guy and sooner then later we hit it off too. but in my mind i never had any intentions to get serious with him as i know that by end of 2008, i am going to have to leave him and return home to Msia. but somehow he managed to get into my heart and there he stayed for 3 years. 


after graduation and upon returning to Msia, i was at a lost. i dont know for sure what the reason was, maybe it was that now that i have a medical degree, i mean whats next? do i really want to spend the rest of my life working as a doctor? being a slave to the people, working day and night, and being underpaid? or maybe it was becoz ajo was far from me, and i was feeling like there was a big void next to me, everywhere i go. perhaps it was even both.


now i see my colleagues around me have all their goals set up, some are studying for masters, some are getting married and going to primary healthcare, the rest remaining at the hospital. but i noticed that very few are like me. undecided. unsure. sumtimes i feel like i am the only one. and with this feeling, came another one filled with guilt and remorse that i have strayed away from the path of god. i used to hold Him close to me, every decision used to be left for Him to decide.


lets just say that along the way, ive stumbled and fallen and i now feel like i do not deserve His pity, His grace and guidance. and i become even more astray. ive always wondered if ajo was going to help me, now that ive stumbled, will he able to pick me up and dust me off? thruout the years, he had showed signs where he was having similar problems with his faith. but in the corner of my heart, ive always secretly hoped that once we got married that he will be able to guide me again and i might find the path.


but somehow, i now find myself in a situation where i am being scorned, stepped and spit on. by many people in my life, sad to say, including ajo. my heart has been ripped apart, so badly then crying seem to be futile. i pray to God to guide me again and accept me in His grace but the feeling of guilt lingers. if ajo couldnt be the person who might help me then why does he always come my way? if ajo wasnt the guy for me then why did he let things get this far. how could a guy i loved so much refuse to pick me up and dust me off? how could i be scorned by him?


i feel like im walking in a dark path with a glimmer of candlelight as my guide and i know soon this candle is going to die and i will be left in total darkness, and i cant help but pray for the sun to shine its light again.

sacrifices..

No matter how much I keep telling myself that Im tired of being a doctor, there is sumthing deep inside of me that make me rejoice in going to work everyday. It is knowing that im about to make a change in sumone else's life. It is knowing that no matter how shitty my life is right now, for the next 8 hours or so, i can forget everything and just concentrate on making my patients better. It is very rare in any profession that u get to experience this. Maybe thats why im addicted to this job. when u become a doctor, u learn how to hide ur feelings. no matter how hurt u are inside, u learn to smile in front of ur patients. no matter how much u yearn to be hugged and consoled, u shut the feelings inside and console ur patients instead. Much sacrifices have been made. So many family events that ive missed. so many times unspent. so many blood, sweat and tears that ive shed. and nobody will understand. i doubt many will appreciate.